DEVILS DICTIONARY
January 2017
Our patron and inspiration, Ambrose Bierce , brought the world new meaning of sardonic humor. We now pay homage in brnging you definitions so dark even Bierce would be horrified.
Terms Other Than Gorilla for which Dick Fuld Became the Definition.
Lehman Bros. CEO Dick Fuld emerged as one of the most despised figures in the history. Leveraging his firm 44:1 when the shit hit the fan newither God nor Country could save the reckless activities of the Gorilla. He came to define a number of epithets such as
Assshole- Dick Fuld
Fucking Asshole- Duck Fuld
Douche Bag-- Dick Fuld
Glad the Impaler-- Dick Fuld
Greedy SOB- Dick Fuld
The Lehman Demon- Dick Fuld
Dictionary
“DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.” — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
Ambrose Bierce’s last words were found in a letter he sent to an intimate friend in the winter of 1913. “As to me,” he wrote, “I leave here tomorrow for an unknown destination.” Then he disappeared in Mexico and was never heard from again.
A famed journalist and essayist of the late 19th century, Bierce was also one of America’s sharpest cynics. His legacy was entombed in The Devil’s Dictionary: a satirical lexicon originally published in 1906. The dictionary is a collection of comic definitions that he wrote over several decades as a columnist for the San Francisco News Letter and other publications.
As with all dictionaries, Bierce’s work was a comment on his own time, though some of the best Devil’s Dictionary entries are timeless:
APOLOGIZE, v. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
KILL, v. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
With a penchant for piercing aphorism, Bierce would have felt right at home on Twitter. (His nihilistic motto, “nothing matters,” has found new life there, at least among bitter writers such as this one.) If reviewed today, his dictionary would be considered a masterwork in trolling.
Over the past century, Bierce’s work has been extensively borrowed and reprinted. Many “unabridged” versions of his dictionary have been published. Following that tradition, we have updated The Devil’s Dictionary for an age that desperately needs it.
A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z
ABACUS
(see also ABACUS 2007-AC1). A mechanical counting machined consisting of a frame with parallel rods with counting beads invented by the Sumerians in 2700 BC. Devised primarily for purposes of trade and calculating taxes, it was a precursor to the modern day computer. In 2007, however, the abacus, served as the inspiration for the morally fraudulent yet brilliant credit default swap- linked securities scheme entitled ABACUS 2007-AC1. ABACUS was perpetraded (sic) by Goldman Sachs and its star client John Paulson upon unwitting yet highly sophisticated investors. The investment results of the Abacus Trade made paying taxes seem like an incredible bargain. The conspiracy theorists have concluded that Goldman wunderkind trader was inspired by the eponymous Beatles song "Taxman" similar to Charles Manson 's obsession with "Helter Skelter". History will judge will will be a more fulsome demonstration of human depravity.
ACCOUNTING
An elaborate system of jibberish intended to describe the abstract theory of financial reality: how much money you have borrowed and can't pay back (the balance sheet), how much money you are losing ( the income statement) and how much worse this year is than last year (changes in financial condition); accounting has been integral to the history of civilization; the first individual associated with its rapid advance was none other than a Franciscan monk named Luca Pacioli (1447-1517). The Catholic church needed to keep track of its booming Trappist Beer Industry and its taxes on the ppoor and downtrodden (the tithe or 1/10th of your income) collected from its unwitting parishners. Not surprisingly the more beer the church sold the more taxes they collected. Pacioli, also a mathematician, published Summa de Arithmetica, Geometrica, Proportioni et Proportionalite in 1494 a year that closely coincided with Columbus' discovery of America wherein the need to keep track of massive fraud, schemes, scams and other thievery were widely anticipated by the Church. Consisting of an elegantly elaborate system of debits and credits known as double entry accounting, this quickly came to mean "two for me and none for you". Without accounting there could be no fair system of taxation which wasn't much of a consideration and inspired the Beatles song "Taxman" ("Here's one for you nineteen for me").
AICPA
The American Institute of Certified Public Accountants is the national, professional organization for all Certified Public Accountants. Its mission is to provide members with the resources, information, and leadership that enable them to provide valuable services in the highest professional manner to benefit the public as well as employers and clients. Often confused with ASCAP which collects royalties on behalf of musians and ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). AICPA has a trademark lawsuit pending withe Absolutely Incurable Crooks and Perpetrators Association that it is expected to lose for imperceptibly different activities and mission.
AIG
The distressed vocalization of regulators upon examining the books and records of American International Group which was code for All Investments Gone; financial equivalent of "mayday! mayday!". While all the investments had gone to zero, incalculable liabilities remained as a result of an enormous unregulated gambling scheme known as credit default swaps that left the U.S. Taxpayer holding a $200 billion bail-out bag that turned out to be heavier than a black hole.
BEAR MARKET
A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
BROKER
What my broker has made me.
BULL MARKET
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
CASH FLOW
- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Certain Death Obligation resulting from a number of causes ranging from mark to market accounting to too many NINJA loans in a pool of securities
Chief Embezzlement Officer.
Chief Fraud Officer.
originally a trading floor term for false bottom stock price movements (see wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_cat_bounce since the Madoff Fiasco it now describes a new phenomenon of mass co-ordinated suicide by disgraced yet honorable felines of soon-to-be felons -it is unclear whether a jonestown-esque cool-aid is being secretly imbibed at grooming parlors by cats of hedge fund operators faced with massive investor redemptions making it clear to the cats that the party is over or whether it is totally instinctive similar to homing pigeons who can travel thousands of miles with out a guidance system.
The are several reports, most likely apocryphal, of cats unsuccessfully trying to convince their owners to do the honorable thing with them. It is interesting to note that attempted cat suicide has a statistically significant survival rate when the leap occurs from the 9th -17th floors of residential buildings. This is due to the cat's automatic bladder evacuation reflex that occurs in this range of fall ruptured bladders are the primary cause of death of falling cats nine floors seems to be just enough time to empty their bladders while above 17 floors the laws of physics take over-( see newton and galileo on: laws of falling objects) -
This phenomenon will likey result in a financial arbitrage opportunity where 9-17th floor apartments will trade at a premium and a new financial security is rumored to already be in the works the CBO or Cat Bounce Option.
Earnings Before Including Terribly Dubious Activities. Antiquated use was Earnings Before Interest Taxes Depreciation and Amortization. One of several measure of earnings power of a firm for purposes of valuation.
What you say to your dog after you throw the bone of the last steak your family will eat for the foreseeable future.
Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (as opposed to Specifically Accepted Accounting Principles which right there shouts out "Houston, we've got a problem!) GAAP is intended to create consistency in financial reporting for pubic and private companies. Its vast inconsistencies with regulatory accounting and the IRS tax code is the primary source of investment banking revenues as bankers routinely attempt to exploit, circumvent or create small meaningless yet terribly complex discrepancies that result in arbitrage opportunities of epic proportions. Interestingly the U.S Government itself refuses to adopt GAAP standards and furthermore refuses to issue any useful financial reporting that would tell us how broke we really are. The main argument for refusing to adopt GAAP standards is that it would require extensive use of scientific notation due to the incomprehensibly large numbers involved.GAAP has taken on a new culturally significant meaning lately as in the GAAP between the truth and what is really going on.
investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
The day after you buy stocks.
State of mind after a just-issued security gets downgraded fro AAA to CCC
No Income No Job No Assets. A type of loan whose source of repayment is a miracle when pooled creates a new security of which 80% is somehow rated AAA due to the theory of diversification. Merton and Miller describe diversification as the only free lunch in the capital markets. This has now been refined as a necessary condition since without free lunch every one on Wall Street will starve to death.
Operating Income Before Interest Taxes Depreciation and Amortization. The primary valuation measure used by Bernie Madoff's accountants. Currently being reformulated as OYBITDA.
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
An archaic word no longer in use.
By analogy best understood in terms of the kosher or jewish dietary tradition i.e. what would you think of the slaughterhouse rabbi who is willing to bless pork sausage? One of three unscrupulous, unregulated, unchallengeable yet universally well-regarded companies (STANDARD & POOR, MOODY and FITCH) specializing in credit analysis whose only asset is its reputation. The rating agency is compensated usually by investment bankers (an archaic term) for rendering advice on how to structure inscrutably complex securities from pools of loans and other securities that no one understands and is then compensated again for assigning its highly-coveted and necessary rating (typically ranging from AAA to CCC )as to the likelihood of "timely repayment of principal and interest". Investors, like religious zealots, rely on these ratings with no further independent due diligence undertaken since that would otherwise make redundant the supposed purpose of a rating. A highly liquid over-the-counter option is currently trading at a substantial premium as to the likelihood of one or more of the rating agencies to win a Nobel Prize in Physics for having actually exceeded the speed of light as a scientific phenomenon for the time elapsed in the downgrading of AAA rated securities into total worthless claims by investors relying on these ratings. (see also: Sausage Making)
Your life in a nutshell.
Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
Special Investment Vehicle designed to circumvent GAAP off-balance sheet consolidation by moving risky assets on the balance sheets of financial institutions who don't have enough capital to support their reckless activities to off-balance sheet entities owned by no one of any significance . SIV's pronunciation as an acronym is self defining.
The art of buying low and selling lower.
(i) for the living wealth is the leading currency for vulgar human indulgence; (ii) an illusory state of mind that the fruits of your labor, pillage and plundering of the earth's resources and taking advantage of ordinary folks can be associated erroneously post-mortem with your good works and other contributions to society by committing a small portion of your liquid net worth or, more often, by making tax-deductible contributions of questionable works of contemporary art purchased for a pittance and now worth hundreds of millions dollars to cultural institutions, art museums (or wings thereof) park benches, potted plants and/or trophy cases (see also Martin Luther- Indulgences) (ii) a special currency that occasionally affords invitations to better-than -deserved cocktail parties in return for a sizable donation to hosts' or hostesses' favorite charities or private jet tag-along rights (iii) the Oracle of Omaha defines wealth as something difficult to obtain and easy to lose (cf: reputation) except in the case of the most agile and athletic spermatozoa of wealthy forbearers where recipient's wealth becomes easy to obtain and easy to lose