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Breaking News........
News Flash Latest Update: Official Dept. of Treasury Theme Song????
If We Can Put a Man on the Moon...
...Why Can't We Just Write a Check for $500 Billion (OK So Maybe It's $1 Trillion) and Pay Off the Defaulted Subprime Mortgages? (We'll Worry About the Credit Default Swaps Later)
You may recall we recently inquired whethter the DOT needed its own theme song. We have received in a brown paper envelope a youtube clip (think about that !) claiming to be the soon-to-be-released National Offiicial Financial Acute Crisis Theme Song ("NOFACTS") . We have not been above to verify that the selection of the theme song is what has been holding up a comprehensive, coherent Bank Bail-out plan from Secretary Geitner who had been leaning toward the REM version but was unable to make a deal with the band's agent.
So here it is:
To the Moon Alice: TARP IX Meets Planet ZIRP:
Lunar Restructuring for Toxic Assets
Massive Lunar Infrastructure Stimulus Project to Be Unveiled: Major Franchise Agreements Secretly Executed with MacDonald's, Starbuck, Citi, Booba (formerly known as BoA) ... Wal-Mart Expected to Sign Shortly.
We're going to the moon to solve this crisis: In an Obama-esque display of out-of-the-box boldness that lets no good crisis go to waste, Secretary Turbo-Tim Geitner has quietly floated his secret plan to save the imploding financial system and it's a doosy. Perhaps explaining his cryptic behavior and deafening silence Geitner wanted to have all the pieces in place before "floating the idea." He's almost there.
In a staggeringly ingenious, (politically,militarily and economically) pre-emptive move, Geitner was apparent inspired by President Obama's oft-run ads exalting President Kennedy's moon program where Obama exclaims "if we can put a man on the moon..." Geitner has taken this idea quite literally. His plan is to quadruple the Army Corps of Engineers, move 200,000 U.S. troops and 2 million prisoners including Bernie Madoff and the Gitmo gang to our nearest solar neighbor (that would be the moon for those of you who are a little rust on your astronomy). Geitner is believed to have executed conditional lunar leases and franchise agreements with healthy, as well major zombie companies, and banks. Circuit City's commitment to lease 840 stores on the moon is likely to be rejected by the bankrupty court.
Geitner's plan will create a parallel financial universe. A source said, "the moon will have its own branch of the Federal Reserve, the Full Moon Fed, that will function much like the New York Fed." Plans and specifications for up to 800 million squre feet of new lunar construction from architectural, defense manufacturers and engineering firms that would otherwise fail will be paid for out of the recently stimulus package. The 800 million square feet will include schools, shopping centers, miltary bases, prisons, a Disneyland and the universe's largest multiplex theater with 850 screens, not to mention every conceivable fast food and muffler repair franchise known to mankind. " said an anonymous source. Wal-Mart is said to be close to signing on the dotted line.
Here's the twist. All goods and services less than $100 on the moon will be free. Anything over will be paid in toxic securities from the TARP Bad Moon Bank. Banking executive compensation will be uncapped and unlimited as long as paid for in the new moon currency, "the luny" that is back by full faith and credit the Full Moon Fed. Banking executives must pay for their own lunar transportation and may not fly first class.
Responding to how this outrageous plan would attract tenants and people and how the U.S. taxpayers would pay for the plan, the source said, "haven't you bother to read the 1,000 page stimulus package with its 8,500 earmarks? It's all in there. This plan is already paid for!" Investigative reporters are now combing though the legislation which will require no new appropriations. "It's a done deal" said the source.
"Talk about being forward thinking and big-picture strategy this is a real needle mover for the administration" said an unidentified Senator from the Northeast whose constituency includes manufacturers of fashionable "Moonboots". Economists are still running the number but the stimulative impact is expected to reach all quandrants of the U.S. economy. The only glitch under Geitner's paln is how to get all the people to the moon. At $20 million per ride on the space shuttle the economics seem to be as workable as the current bail-out proposal. After a preliminary briefing President Obama is said to have mildly chastised Geitner for not being quite bold enough but felt this plan was a step in the right direction.
After bumping into Geitner, Senator Lindsay Graham is said to have grabbed Geitner by the lapels and screamed nose-to-nose, "You are out of orbit sir!"