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Geithner's "Doogie Howser Problem"; In Serious Need of Reverse Botox

Can Market Confidence Be Restored by New Secretary of Treasury Through TV Nostalgia?

[Timothy Geithner]

Timothy Geithner Doogie Howser MD

With hardly a resounding vote of confidence, a Senate confirmation vote of 60 for 34 against, placed our delicate futures in the delicate hands of Timothy Geithner, the H & R Block DIY-not poster child. The incredibly smart, policy wonkish but thoroughly Paulson-tainted Geithner limped across the finish line to be confirmed as Secretary of the Treasury. The once master-of the-universe Paulson should have stayed on Wall St. Paulson turned out to be quite the blithering idiot savant of the ill-reasoned, conflict laden bail-out imbroglio. Do we see a pattern here people? Paulson, Rubin, Fuld, Thain etc. Good at one job doesn't necessarily make you good at another. Replacing Paulson with Donald Duck probably would have sent the market soaring and have achieved a better Senate confirmation ratio than Geithner's. Rumors of a Quinnipiac pole , most likely apocryphal, suggested Donald Duck would have been confirmed at 72 for 26 against and 2 abstentions. Without a resolute vote of confidence-- how about somthing more like 98 for 2 against or even 89 for 11 against-- where does that leave us? Have you ever tried to paddle a canoe with a crow bar?

But we refuse to throw the baby out with the bath water which gets to the heart of the part of the matter. He just looks too damn young. Another rumor has it that a good portion of those voting against Geithner felt he bore an eeirie resemblance to Doogie Howser MD but even younger. An unidentified Senator voting against Geitner was overheard saying to an on-the-fence colleague. "I would rather let Doogie Howser perform a pre-frontal lobotomy on me with a jackknife than place the restoration of confidence in the global markets in Geithner's hands." So we just need to make hi, look older, tougher and a little bit grizzly. Someone who would elegantly bite the head of a chicken off with his bare teeth-- but only if he needed to. Any doubts Sarah Palin would qualify on that front? So what can we do. He's our guy.

Two things I can think of: First is we put Geithner into an episode of "Nip and Tuck", and weather and leather him him up a bit. Do a "makeunder" instead of a makeover. Not that I have a man crush or anything but he's just too pretty and delicate looking for the job but in a good way, a much manlier way than devil-dog John Edwards (who you just wanted to go over and mess up his his hair). There must be a new strain of botulism out there somewhere -- a highly virulent one- that can act act as a reverse botox agent. Let's get some real lines in that forehead. Put a few scars on his face, a few pock-marks. And please get rid of the spread collars. Where is Andre Leon Talley when you need him?

Second thing is Geithner should turn to the golden years of network television (an archaic term) for some inspiration. If he looks like Doogie Howser than let's just go for it.

For those of you who are a little rusty or just too young here is a clip from the inspirational series Doogie Howser MD:

BTW, remember Winnie Cooper from that other high-nostalia coming-of-age TV show The Wonder Years? Danica McKellar, who played the role of Winnie recently came out of the closet so to speak as a bona fide math genius who is now hawking a best-selling series of inspirational books for high school girls traumatized by the subject of math. The series is called, I kid you not, Kiss My Math, which is exactly what every red-blooded young America boy wanted to do except Doogie,who in real ife as Patrick O'Neal also came out of the closet. That explains alot of things.

So what's the point here? Perhaps Geithner could bring in Danica McKellar to replace Neel Kashkari as the head of TARP. Check out Danica/Winnie's 1998 mathematical dissertation on "Percolation and Gibbs states multiplicity for ferromagnetic Ashkin-Teller models on $\mathbb{Z}^2$ ". I bet good ole Winnie could sort out $700 billion of these toxic securities in a heart-beat.

Danika McKellar aka Winnie Cooper before and after

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JANUARY 27, 2009

Geithner Confirmed as Treasury Secretary

By DEBORAH SOLOMON

WASHINGTON -- The Senate confirmed Timothy Geithner as President Barack Obama's Treasury secretary by a 60-34 vote, paving the way for the new administration to usher in its financial-rescue plan.

With Mr. Geithner now officially on board, the Obama administration is expected to detail shortly efforts to shore up the financial sector. In his first move, the Treasury Secretary is expected Tuesday to announce new rules intended to curb the influence of lobbyists and special interests in determining who gets aid from the government. The new efforts, part of Mr. Obama's plan to revamp the financial bailout, are aimed at ensuring that investment decisions are based on what is best for the stability of the financial system, rather than on any type of political influence.

Possibly as soon as this week, the Obama administration will also announce its own approach to the crisis, including possibly asking Congress for additional funds to supplement the $350 billion that lawmakers recently approved.

Mr. Obama's rescue is expected to focus on helping homeowners and bolstering financial institutions so they are willing to lend to consumers, businesses and each other. The Obama plan is expected to include a mix of efforts, including more capital infusions into banks and relieving firms of the toxic assets clogging their books.

The White House on Monday left the door open for a request for additional funds. White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said "there may also be additional steps that are taken outside of" the $350 billion to address the financial crisis.

The 60-34 vote speaks to the controversial nature of Mr. Geithner's nomination after disclosures that he failed to pay some employment taxes in a timely manner while working for the International Monetary Fund. The bulk of the dissent came from Republicans, but three Democrats broke with their party to vote against Mr. Geithner.

Meanwhile, Mr. Geithner's confirmation will free the Federal Reserve Bank of New York to announce his successor as president of the regional Fed bank. William Dudley, a former Goldman Sachs economist who runs the New York Fed's influential markets desk, is likely to get the job. An announcement is likely Tuesday.

The New York Fed is the Federal Reserve's eyes and ears on Wall Street, and the markets desk has been in charge of implementing many of the Fed's new lending and investment programs, making the job one of the most important in central banking.

The choice of Mr. Dudley gives the New York Fed an assurance of continuity at a tumultuous time at the bank. Several of the Fed's biggest programs -- including one aimed at boosting the consumer loan market and another supporting mortgages -- are still in the process of being ramped up. Mr. Dudley is known inside the Fed and at Goldman as a tenacious pragmatist who has logged long hours during the financial crisis and developed a strong relationship with Mr. Geithner.

The Obama administration is still wrestling with the details of its rescue, including how to help struggling firms without making the U.S. the de facto owner of the banking industry. With bank stocks low and bank capital needs high, additional government investments could give the U.S. effective control over financial firms, something the administration would like to avoid on a large scale.

Among the ideas being discussed, according to industry officials, is a two-pronged approach that would allow the government to both purchase assets through a "bad bank" entity and also guarantee assets against further losses. This would allow the government to deal differently with securities, such as those backed by real-estate and other assets, and loans, including commercial and residential mortgages. Both options are designed to put banks on a firmer footing, which in turn would prompt them to lend more and could encourage private investors to come back into the industry.

"They are probably going to do everything and use every tool," said Tom Gallagher, a policy analyst with ISI Group in Washington, D.C.

The government used asset guarantees in its rescues of Citigroup Inc. and Bank of America Corp. In both instances, the government agreed to share losses with the banks on a certain group of assets. The banks agreed to take the first hit, and taxpayers are on the hook for much of the rest. In the case of Citigroup, the total amount of assets protected is more than $300 billion.

Under the bad-bank plan, the government would create an entity to purchase assets, possibly using money from the $350 billion remaining in the Troubled Asset Relief Program and having the entity raise money by selling government-backed securities.

The concept is rife with problems, including what price the government should pay. If the government pays too low a price, banks may have to take deeper write-downs than they have already, exacerbating their financial woes. But if the prices are too high, then banks -- and their shareholders -- are benefiting at taxpayer expense.

The administration is also planning additional capital injections, which it views as necessary to restart the market for lending. But that, too, raises concerns, given the low stock price of the banks and their capital needs. The government already owns a significant chunk of Citigroup and Bank of America, as well as American International Group Inc. and Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Injecting enough money to shore up the banks in exchange for an equity stake could nationalize chunks of the banking sector.

"They'll try to avoid full-frontal nationalization. But I don't think that means they'll oppose having some banks become nationalized," Mr. Gallagher said.

—Jon Hilsenrath and Joann S. Lublin contributed to this article.

Write to Deborah Solomon at deborah.solomon@wsj.com